I love my In-Laws

There is so much that happens when a couple gets married. One of those is merging two family backgrounds. This can be difficult but doable.  
The first step in doing this is to create a marital identity. 

 "The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families from which they grew up. One component of separating from the families of origin involved creating a marriage identity. It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing within a invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside the fence, and that information and behavior is not to be shared with others outside the fence. not with future children and certainly not with parents or parent in-laws." (Creating Healthy Ties With in-laws and Extended Family written by James M Harper and Susan Frost Olsen)

They also go on to say that this may be hard for some daughters who are close to their mothers. The last semester of my senior year in high school I only had classes in the morning. At lunch time I was able to go home for the rest of the day. My mom and I got to spend the afternoons together. Because of the one on one uninterrupted time together we built a strong bond and she became one of my very best friends. I love the relationship that we have. When I first got married we lived fairly close to my parents and my mom and I spent a lot of time together. We talked about everything. I didn't realize how much time I had been spending with my mom until my husband said something to me about it. I had to reevaluate the time that I spent with my mom. My husband and I had to set some boundaries. By setting some boundaries it was easier to confide and counsel with Ryan. My mom and I still have a good relationship and just because we set some boundaries doesn't mean I totally cut her out of my life. It just means that I turn toward Ryan and council with him. I still have my mom as a resource but she respected that we needed to establish our identity and our new family. My husband now felt like he didn't have to compete with my mom.
The next step to merge family backgrounds is to establish relationships with the in-laws. When I hear people talk about the horrible relationships that they have with their in-laws it makes me sad. That family helped create and mold your spouse that you have committed to spend eternity with. Building and keeping relationships with in-law family is so very important, especially when children come along. There are a few easy things to do to build and keep those relationships.

• Communicate openly
• Spend quality time with them.
• Accept differences
• Find and make connections

Harper and Olsen wrote: "Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with the differences." Sometimes it takes a lot of prayer to be able to look past the differences and accept and love our in-laws. I really love my in-laws. They are good people and very supportive. It was hard for me to find my niche and feel like I fit in. When Ryan and I were first married I would have him call his parents if there was any information that we needed. If there was a holiday I would have him coordinate our plans. Shortly after we had our first child I asked myself why I was afraid of communicating with them? It was then that I decided that I was very capable of communicating with them myself. I made an effort to talk and get to know my in-laws. I would call my mother-in-law and see if she wanted to go to lunch. I would invite my sister-in-laws to go do things. I know have a really good relationship with them and I consider them my family. Now I have even more of a support system then I did before. 
I am so very grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that I have. I am grateful for families and I know that if we keep our covenants we will be able to have those relationships and friendships that extend into eternity. I am grateful for my testimony of the gospel. I love this church. I love the gospel. I love my family.  

Becoming One

General Conference is held the first weekends in April and October. Members from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints meet and listen to prophets and apostles who give us direction. One of my favorite apostles to listen to is Henry B Eyring. His words are beautiful, powerful and moving. In April of 1998 he gave an talk titled That We May Be One. If you want to listen or read it go here. 

In his address he talks about how we are not meant to be alone. From the beginning God knew that we would need to have a partner in order to learn and grow. After God created Adam he wanted a help-meet for him so he created Eve. Adam and Eve were the first married couple in the history of our planet. They are an example to every married couple. 

"Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. 

That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity."

Henry B. Eyring

God put us on this Earth to tested and to be able to become like Him. He wants us to learn to be 

• kind
• charitable
• loving
• selfless
• humble
• forgiving
• thoughtful
• meek
• patient 
• willing to sacrifice

Just as Adam and Eve had their trials (being cast out from the garden of Eden, having one of their sons kill the other) we will too have to go through trials. How we go through them can knit our hearts together or tear them apart. How we turn to each other and work together in harmony, set aside our pride and allow our spouse to influence us and then together turn to the Lord and ask for His guidance in what we are to do, will help us as partners to become one. We have to turn to the Lord to accomplish this. We have to let Him in and be apart of our lives. President Eyring teaches:

 Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife. It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls.

We have to have the spirit with us in order to truly be of one heart. Doing this takes effort. It is the easy day to day, week to week, month to month things that will keep us as one. Reading our scriptures, studying the words of the prophets, praying together, FHE (family home evening), taking the sacrament, attending the temple, serving our spouse, speaking kind words, praying for each others needs. It really comes down to the person that we are. The more Christ-like characteristics we develop in ourselves the closer we become to truly being one with our spouse and with the Lord.

  

images obtained from google images

An ever growing problem: Pornography

About a year ago I discovered that a friend and co-worker of mine had been arrested for attempting to have sexual relations with a minor. I was in shock at this news. In my eyes he seemed to be happily married with 3 small children, a returned missionary and an active member of the church. He dreamed of being a pilot and was working toward this dream. He is funny, kind, caring, mild tempered and very sweet.

A couple of co-worker friends and I decided to go visit him in jail. During this visit my friend disclosed to me that he was in this mess because of an addiction to pornography. He told me that his addiction started out innocently but eventually grew into an obsession. A series of bad choices eventually lead to his arrest. His whole life came crashing before his eyes. He had not only ruined his life and dreams but also that of his wife and children's lives. My heart broke for my friend and the difficult road he had in front of him. 

Pornography is an ever growing problem. It tears families apart. I started to think about how I could safe guard my marriage and family from this. I searched and prayed and came upon this conference talk from sister Linda Reeves

The answer is a simple one; to safeguard my family I needed to keep my focus on Christ. 
Do the things that I know will protect me, read the scriptures, pray and hold FHE. 
I can keep myself and my family focused on the Savior. I can help safeguard us from the harmful effects of pornography.

I have since realized that I can also safeguard my marriage by following the principles that I have been talking about for the last month or so. Keeping the lines of communication with my husband open. Appreciating him, turning toward him, serving him, keeping the four horseman out of our lives, and always working to increase our love map. Being emotionally connected and involved with each other. Most importantly forgiving always. We have to be open and honest with our companions. Pornography is a real threat to families. Those who are in its grasp may feel hopeless. It is possible to get help.

If you or someone you know is trapped in pornography this website is a great tool in starting to get out and recover.

Love like Christ

Throughout my reading the books  

The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work 

 and

 Drawing Heaven into your Marriage 

there seems to be one major principle that stands out to me.

Marriage is about loving your spouse as Christ loves. 

Christ loves without judgement, hate, or envy. He accepts all and forgives easily. He is the example of how we are to live our lives. Think about how amazing the world would be if we all were as perfect as He is. John Gottman, author of the seven principles, gives 7 principles to a happier marriage they are;

1. Enhance your love maps (get to know each others likes, dislikes and dreams) 
2. Nurture your fondness and admiration (always look for the good in one another) 
3. Turn toward each other instead of away (lean on each other in the good times. When the bad times come it will be easier to get through it because you know you can count on your spouse.) 
4. Let your partner influence you (make decisions that will affect your life together) 
5. Solve your solvable problems (communicate with one another before the problem becomes unsolvable)
6. Overcome gridlock (again communication) 
7. Create shared meaning (create memories together, start your own traditions, build a life together)

I love this video. I think that it is applicable for marriage... 

What I learned and can apply to marriage is that to really be successful in integrating these principles you have to forgive and not judge. To love with Christ like love there is no room viewing each other through dirty windows. If we follow the example of the life that Christ lived then we will be happier and closer together as couples. It won't be perfect. Some days will be hard but the great thing is when we keep trying then we get a little bit better everyday. I know that God sent us here to be a part of families. Wallace Goddard, author of Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, said:

"Love first don't wait to be loved" 

 

The Power of Forgiveness

This post has been really hard for me to write. Without going into to much detail I will tell you that my husband and I have had some really rocky patches in our marriage. We have been guilty of allowing the four horsemen (contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling) into our relationship. There is only so much criticism and nagging that a person will take before they start to shut down and retreat. What message was I sending to this man that I promised to spend the rest of eternity with? Was I telling him that he was not good enough? Was I telling him that I didn't care? I didn't mean to send these messages but in reality that is what I was doing. There was a point when I felt that things were so bad that I was considering walking away. I was done and fed up. I blamed him for everything. I was feeling hurt and betrayed.
One day it dawned on me: I was as much to blame for where we were as he was. I had been holding grudges, and constantly bringing up past mistakes. I was being selfish and putting the blame elsewhere. I had not forgiven and it was a very heavy burden to carry. I needed to forgive.
Forgiveness is a necessity in marriage. A marriage cannot be happy and successful without forgiveness. When forgiveness is given in marriage it opens up new avenues of communication. Forgiveness is more that just saying "I'm sorry". For me forgiveness was changing attitudes and looking for a new perspective. Forgiveness was about not thinking about myself and my needs and wants but looking at my husband and seeing his.
The book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage is an amazing book. Chapter 6 talks about consecration in a marriage. I believe this principle goes hand in hand with forgiveness. H. Wallace Goddard writes:

"Consecration in marriage is not simply about receiving our entrance card to the Celestial Kingdom. It's also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably live there. This requires a transformation of character. In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves." 

Forgiveness is a transformation. Forgiveness is not always easy. It takes work and dedication. When I finally let forgiveness into my life there was a weight that was lifted and things began to get better. It has been a long road but the more I let the principle of forgiveness into my marriage the better things seem to be. At the end of this chapter there is a 30 day challenge. The challenge is...For 30 days show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner. Set aside complaints and disappointments, see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner. 

I urge you to give this challenge a try. Even if you have a great marriage I promise this challenge will make it even better. The key to this challenge is help from our Savior. He is the one that helps us to transform into beings that are closer to being Godlike.Ask Him for help and he will give it to you!

Overcoming Pride

Lets talk about pride. Is pride bad? We can be proud of accomplishments, proud to be a citizen of the country in which we reside, proud of our loved ones for a variety of reasons. Pride can be a slippery slope and can lead to problems in a marriage. It is easy to identify pride in other people: self centeredness, conceit, and arrogance. I can think of lots of people who are prideful. Now let me ask you, do you see pride in yourself? 

I have been thinking about this a lot this week and as I have been reading and pondering for my marriage class. I think that more often than not I am full of pride and I don't even know it or realize it. 

President Ezra Taft Benson gave a conference address titled "Beware of Pride" (you can go read it here.)

In this talk he says:

"{pride} is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous".

I think of many times in my life that I have let pride into my life. In fact it happens numerous times throughout the day, everyday! Now what does this have to do with marriage? EVERYTHING! Pride is an attitude, a way of thinking, a way of acting. Pride is when I know that my husband is doing something just to bother me. Pride is when I count all the things that I do for my husband when he does nothing for me in return. Pride is when I am in a bad mood and hold a grudge or give my husband the silent treatment. Pride is when I am focused on myself. How can a couple be on the same page if pride in the way? The truth is it can't. So, does this mean we are helpless? Are marriages doomed because we are all prideful beings? 
Dr Wallace Goddard wrote a book called "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage." In this book he talks about how we can overcome pride in our marriage. He says,

"Turning to God in faith and repentance is the cure for pride and self-centeredness." 

 Is it really that easy? Yes it is. Knowing how to recognize pride in ourselves and then repenting and turning to God is the answer. We can repent and the best part is we don't have to do it alone. We have a loving Father in Heaven and a Savior who knows exactly what we are going through. 
I think it is also important that we be able to turn to our spouse and apologize to them for any wrong that we have caused them. Overcoming pride is a personal matter but marriage isn't. We have to be willing to forgive one another. I think that too is an important part of overcoming our pride. It isn't easy to do but it is necessary if we want to have happy and successful marriages. 

memes found on pinterest
 

What is romance?

 

I love watching sappy drama filled Hallmark movies. In these movies romance is portrayed by Big gestures: sending extravagant flowers, candle lit dinners, and long walks on the beach. The relationship in these movies always develops quickly and always leave us with a "they lived happily ever after" feeling. BUT what happens after all the flowers die, the candles burn out, and the walk on the beach ends? How is romance achieved in real life on a daily basis?

There are lots of little ways that it can be done. Dr. John Gottman, author of "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work" says...

"...real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected. 

It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is 

valued during the grind of everyday." 

I have been having problems with my cell phone and I have been swapped with school and I haven't had a chance to take it in to see what is wrong. This week my husband left work a little early came home to get my phone and took it in and got it working again. I was so grateful and appreciate that he did that for me. Romance is the everyday things that we do for one another. Romance blossoms when we see that our spouse has a need and we do what we can to help fill that need.

Romance is when my husband cleans the bathroom.
Romance is stopping what I am doing to listen to something that my husband is telling me.
Romance is an invitation to take a ride to the gas station to get a treat.
Romance is knowing that my husband didn't sleep very well and keeping the kids quiet so he can get some sleep. 

When it comes to the nitty-gritty of everyday married life romance just boils down to...

PLUGGING IN!  

Plugging into your spouses; wants, needs, and desires. It is being aware of what is happening in their world and wanting to be apart of it. Then taking action to make things better for them and showing them how much  you appreciate them.

*images used courtesy of Google images

Love maps

I saw this video recently on Facebook and I got all teary eyed. This couple exhibits deep feelings of love, friendship, and admiration for each other.
https://www.facebook.com/lds.richard.g.scott/videos/655759821182423/
Aren't they the sweetest couple?
I envision that they have spent their entire lives learning to sense each others needs and thinking of each other. They have what Dr John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, calls a detailed Love Map.
A love map is what a couple knows about each other. Do you know if your spouse likes dessert right after dinner or would they rather wait? What is their favorite sport? Do you know when their favorite TV show comes on? What about their favorite vacation, book , song, animal? Love maps change as life changes. Life events such as babies have an impact on our love maps. Love maps need to be kept up to date and built upon. A love map is knowing these things and using that information everyday. Love maps help keep us connected to our spouse. When we know and use our love maps then we are much more likely to weather out the storms when trials come.
How does a couple go about keeping their love maps up to date? It begins with friendship: spending time together, talking, enjoying activities together. It is listening to what what your spouse is saying and observing what they do. My husband calls me almost everyday on his way home from work. He asks how my day has been and how the kids are behaving. Occasionally, when he knows I've had a bad day he brings me a Coke. It used to be half Coke and half Cherry Pepsi and then I got hooked on Dirty Cokes and he started bring me those.
Our love maps are constantly changing and to stay current takes observation and staying in touch with our spouse. Love maps helps to increase our love of each other. Then when times of trial come we are more able to weather the storm and support one another, just like the sweet couple in the video.

Who is your best friend?

(This picture came from my friend, her son is in the bottom 2 pictures. My son in the one on the top on the right.) My youngest son is seven years old. The other day he was telling me all about his day with his best friend.

"When me and my best friend were at school I had to decided if I should help my best friend or Mae. I decided to help Mae because, Kail is my best friend and he'll still be my friend even though I helped Mae. My best friend and I ate lunch together and played at recess together. Then on the bus me and my best friend told each other we would meet at his house and play football and ride our bikes."

What makes a best friend? Your best friend is the one who you want to spend your time with. The one that share your joys, heartaches, triumphs and failings. The one that is always there no matter what. They are the one that you can be 100% you and don't have to hide anything, there is no judgment. Friendships are formed in time spent together and common interests. They take effort and action to keep alive!

Friendship in a marriage is similar in many ways to the friendships that we share with other people in our lives. Dr John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says:

"The simple truth is that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. They are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express fondness not just in the big ways but in the little ways day in and day out."

The key message in this quote is mutual respect. In less than one month I will have been married for 17 years. My husband, Ryan, is my best friend. He is the one that I want spend my time with. He is the one that I want to share all my good news with. He is the one who encourages me to do things that I think I can't do (like go back to school). I know I can count on him to say no to the salesman at the door when I can't. I know that he'd much rather clean the bathroom than do the dishes. I know that he is bound to fall asleep in front of the TV with his glasses on. I know that someday he wants to see a professional football game and take our boys to Alaska to fish.
He knows that without a doubt I will fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. He knows I dislike pineapple and creepy crawly things. He knew that I had always wanted to go to Hawaii and when he won a trip to Hawaii he took me!! Even though he really didn't want to go. We talk about everything and disagree about a lot. Disagreements don't automatically mean that we don't have a mutual respect for one another. Time has taught me how to disagree and still respect his opinion. I think that disagreements can help a couple to get to know each other even better. You just have to be careful about how you disagree. You need to disagree and still respect the other person. You have to keep loving them and always clear the air at the end.
I have learned a lot from watching my son and best friend. He is always excited to see his friend.  He thinks about his friends feelings.  He is always excited to talk to his friend.  He regularly makes plans with his friend.  He cheers his friend on when they are playing a game, and he misses him when he is out of town for the weekend. Do we have these same feelings for our spouse? It is essential to have friendship in marriage.

"the key to divorce-proofing your relationship is not in how you handle disagreements 

but in how you are with each other when you are not fighting"- Dr Gottman

Eternal Marriage

My friend Karen and I serve in the young women organization in our ward. A few weeks ago we were having a chat with some of the laurels about marriage. Karen told the girls that when they get married they will never think that this practically perfect young man can do anything wrong. Give it 2 weeks she says, and you'll smell and hear things that you didn't know a body could do. He'll leave his dirty socks all over the house and he'll forget to put the toilet seat down. He'll do things that drive you crazy. However, if you marry in the temple and keep your covenants none of that will matter. You'll be able to look past his imperfections and smells and see the possibilities that eternity will bring. 
What makes this view point different from a non temple marriage?  Both can be good right? The short answer is, yes, both can be good, if effort is put forth.
The biggest difference between a temple marriage and a non temple marriage is the covenant a couple makes with one another and with God, in the temple.
A temple marriage doesn't automatically guarantee happiness or forever. A couple has to work on their marriage and keep their covenants that they made to each other and to God.
In the November 1996 Ensign Elder Bruce C Hafen talks about having a covenant marriage. He says,

"Marriage is by nature a covenant, 

not just a private contract one may cancel at will. 

Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. 

When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth... 

because he... careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said,

“I am the good shepherd,... and I lay down my life for the sheep.” 

 Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong."

It is a well know statistic that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is it because a couple sees trouble and decides that it is easier to flee than to fight?  Elder Hafen says:

 "When we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, 

we discover hidden reservoirs of strength."

If we are to keep the covenants that we make in the temple, then we will have the strength to lift each other up. I watched a interview recently about marriage and what makes a marriage last. One woman in the interview said that sometimes her husband is the one holding her up and sometimes she is holding him up but mostly they hold each other up. Isn't that what it's about? We covenant to help one another, serve one another, and love one another. That is what the difference is.

Defending Marriage.

A couple of semesters ago I took a class that focused completely on the Proclamation. I loved learning more about the importance of the family unit and why it is so central to God's plan. The Lord through our prophets have told us that marriage is to be between a man and a woman.
From what I have studied I have learned that marriage is the core of family and Satan wants to destroy that very core. Why? Partly because he is so extremely jealous of what we have that he will never have. He knows the eternal significance of families and how central they are to the plan of happiness.

“We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the world)

Satan’s main focus is that anyone can marry no matter their gender. He teaches that same sex marriage is normal and ok. He puts same sex couples in front of us everywhere we turn. He makes it look fun and the cool thing to do. He tells us that some of us are born this way and there is nothing we can do to stop it or change who we are. He says that traditional marriage is old school and we need to get with the times. His voice is LOUD and everywhere!
Recently a friend and I were talking about a television sitcom that we both think is funny. In this comedy there is a gay couple. We were justifying that it’s ok because they don't flaunt the fact that they are gay. They more I have thought about this conversation the more I have come to realize that this is a ploy of Satan's. He wants to make homosexuals look normal.
Elder Russell M Nelson gave an address to a graduating class at BYU. You can read the entire address here.
In this address he says,

“Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage. We cannot yield. History is not our judge. A secular society is not our judge. God is our judge! For each of us, Judgment Day will be held in God’s own way and time…God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!”

WOW!! An apostle of the Lord has command us to defend marriage. How will I defend the family? There are little ways that I can choose to use my voice. It’s the little choices that I make daily, weekly, monthly. I can choose to not view shows where there are homosexual relationships. I can choose what I will "like" and post on social media, I can choose to vote for those who believe that way I do. I can teach my children the gospel. Maybe my voice isn't as loud and obnoxious as Satan's but it can have a reaching influence if I chose it to.