An ever growing problem: Pornography

About a year ago I discovered that a friend and co-worker of mine had been arrested for attempting to have sexual relations with a minor. I was in shock at this news. In my eyes he seemed to be happily married with 3 small children, a returned missionary and an active member of the church. He dreamed of being a pilot and was working toward this dream. He is funny, kind, caring, mild tempered and very sweet.

A couple of co-worker friends and I decided to go visit him in jail. During this visit my friend disclosed to me that he was in this mess because of an addiction to pornography. He told me that his addiction started out innocently but eventually grew into an obsession. A series of bad choices eventually lead to his arrest. His whole life came crashing before his eyes. He had not only ruined his life and dreams but also that of his wife and children's lives. My heart broke for my friend and the difficult road he had in front of him. 

Pornography is an ever growing problem. It tears families apart. I started to think about how I could safe guard my marriage and family from this. I searched and prayed and came upon this conference talk from sister Linda Reeves

The answer is a simple one; to safeguard my family I needed to keep my focus on Christ. 
Do the things that I know will protect me, read the scriptures, pray and hold FHE. 
I can keep myself and my family focused on the Savior. I can help safeguard us from the harmful effects of pornography.

I have since realized that I can also safeguard my marriage by following the principles that I have been talking about for the last month or so. Keeping the lines of communication with my husband open. Appreciating him, turning toward him, serving him, keeping the four horseman out of our lives, and always working to increase our love map. Being emotionally connected and involved with each other. Most importantly forgiving always. We have to be open and honest with our companions. Pornography is a real threat to families. Those who are in its grasp may feel hopeless. It is possible to get help.

If you or someone you know is trapped in pornography this website is a great tool in starting to get out and recover.

Love like Christ

Throughout my reading the books  

The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work 

 and

 Drawing Heaven into your Marriage 

there seems to be one major principle that stands out to me.

Marriage is about loving your spouse as Christ loves. 

Christ loves without judgement, hate, or envy. He accepts all and forgives easily. He is the example of how we are to live our lives. Think about how amazing the world would be if we all were as perfect as He is. John Gottman, author of the seven principles, gives 7 principles to a happier marriage they are;

1. Enhance your love maps (get to know each others likes, dislikes and dreams) 
2. Nurture your fondness and admiration (always look for the good in one another) 
3. Turn toward each other instead of away (lean on each other in the good times. When the bad times come it will be easier to get through it because you know you can count on your spouse.) 
4. Let your partner influence you (make decisions that will affect your life together) 
5. Solve your solvable problems (communicate with one another before the problem becomes unsolvable)
6. Overcome gridlock (again communication) 
7. Create shared meaning (create memories together, start your own traditions, build a life together)

I love this video. I think that it is applicable for marriage... 

What I learned and can apply to marriage is that to really be successful in integrating these principles you have to forgive and not judge. To love with Christ like love there is no room viewing each other through dirty windows. If we follow the example of the life that Christ lived then we will be happier and closer together as couples. It won't be perfect. Some days will be hard but the great thing is when we keep trying then we get a little bit better everyday. I know that God sent us here to be a part of families. Wallace Goddard, author of Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, said:

"Love first don't wait to be loved" 

 

The Power of Forgiveness

This post has been really hard for me to write. Without going into to much detail I will tell you that my husband and I have had some really rocky patches in our marriage. We have been guilty of allowing the four horsemen (contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling) into our relationship. There is only so much criticism and nagging that a person will take before they start to shut down and retreat. What message was I sending to this man that I promised to spend the rest of eternity with? Was I telling him that he was not good enough? Was I telling him that I didn't care? I didn't mean to send these messages but in reality that is what I was doing. There was a point when I felt that things were so bad that I was considering walking away. I was done and fed up. I blamed him for everything. I was feeling hurt and betrayed.
One day it dawned on me: I was as much to blame for where we were as he was. I had been holding grudges, and constantly bringing up past mistakes. I was being selfish and putting the blame elsewhere. I had not forgiven and it was a very heavy burden to carry. I needed to forgive.
Forgiveness is a necessity in marriage. A marriage cannot be happy and successful without forgiveness. When forgiveness is given in marriage it opens up new avenues of communication. Forgiveness is more that just saying "I'm sorry". For me forgiveness was changing attitudes and looking for a new perspective. Forgiveness was about not thinking about myself and my needs and wants but looking at my husband and seeing his.
The book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage is an amazing book. Chapter 6 talks about consecration in a marriage. I believe this principle goes hand in hand with forgiveness. H. Wallace Goddard writes:

"Consecration in marriage is not simply about receiving our entrance card to the Celestial Kingdom. It's also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably live there. This requires a transformation of character. In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves." 

Forgiveness is a transformation. Forgiveness is not always easy. It takes work and dedication. When I finally let forgiveness into my life there was a weight that was lifted and things began to get better. It has been a long road but the more I let the principle of forgiveness into my marriage the better things seem to be. At the end of this chapter there is a 30 day challenge. The challenge is...For 30 days show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner. Set aside complaints and disappointments, see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner. 

I urge you to give this challenge a try. Even if you have a great marriage I promise this challenge will make it even better. The key to this challenge is help from our Savior. He is the one that helps us to transform into beings that are closer to being Godlike.Ask Him for help and he will give it to you!

Overcoming Pride

Lets talk about pride. Is pride bad? We can be proud of accomplishments, proud to be a citizen of the country in which we reside, proud of our loved ones for a variety of reasons. Pride can be a slippery slope and can lead to problems in a marriage. It is easy to identify pride in other people: self centeredness, conceit, and arrogance. I can think of lots of people who are prideful. Now let me ask you, do you see pride in yourself? 

I have been thinking about this a lot this week and as I have been reading and pondering for my marriage class. I think that more often than not I am full of pride and I don't even know it or realize it. 

President Ezra Taft Benson gave a conference address titled "Beware of Pride" (you can go read it here.)

In this talk he says:

"{pride} is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous".

I think of many times in my life that I have let pride into my life. In fact it happens numerous times throughout the day, everyday! Now what does this have to do with marriage? EVERYTHING! Pride is an attitude, a way of thinking, a way of acting. Pride is when I know that my husband is doing something just to bother me. Pride is when I count all the things that I do for my husband when he does nothing for me in return. Pride is when I am in a bad mood and hold a grudge or give my husband the silent treatment. Pride is when I am focused on myself. How can a couple be on the same page if pride in the way? The truth is it can't. So, does this mean we are helpless? Are marriages doomed because we are all prideful beings? 
Dr Wallace Goddard wrote a book called "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage." In this book he talks about how we can overcome pride in our marriage. He says,

"Turning to God in faith and repentance is the cure for pride and self-centeredness." 

 Is it really that easy? Yes it is. Knowing how to recognize pride in ourselves and then repenting and turning to God is the answer. We can repent and the best part is we don't have to do it alone. We have a loving Father in Heaven and a Savior who knows exactly what we are going through. 
I think it is also important that we be able to turn to our spouse and apologize to them for any wrong that we have caused them. Overcoming pride is a personal matter but marriage isn't. We have to be willing to forgive one another. I think that too is an important part of overcoming our pride. It isn't easy to do but it is necessary if we want to have happy and successful marriages. 

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