What is romance?

 

I love watching sappy drama filled Hallmark movies. In these movies romance is portrayed by Big gestures: sending extravagant flowers, candle lit dinners, and long walks on the beach. The relationship in these movies always develops quickly and always leave us with a "they lived happily ever after" feeling. BUT what happens after all the flowers die, the candles burn out, and the walk on the beach ends? How is romance achieved in real life on a daily basis?

There are lots of little ways that it can be done. Dr. John Gottman, author of "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work" says...

"...real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected. 

It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is 

valued during the grind of everyday." 

I have been having problems with my cell phone and I have been swapped with school and I haven't had a chance to take it in to see what is wrong. This week my husband left work a little early came home to get my phone and took it in and got it working again. I was so grateful and appreciate that he did that for me. Romance is the everyday things that we do for one another. Romance blossoms when we see that our spouse has a need and we do what we can to help fill that need.

Romance is when my husband cleans the bathroom.
Romance is stopping what I am doing to listen to something that my husband is telling me.
Romance is an invitation to take a ride to the gas station to get a treat.
Romance is knowing that my husband didn't sleep very well and keeping the kids quiet so he can get some sleep. 

When it comes to the nitty-gritty of everyday married life romance just boils down to...

PLUGGING IN!  

Plugging into your spouses; wants, needs, and desires. It is being aware of what is happening in their world and wanting to be apart of it. Then taking action to make things better for them and showing them how much  you appreciate them.

*images used courtesy of Google images

Love maps

I saw this video recently on Facebook and I got all teary eyed. This couple exhibits deep feelings of love, friendship, and admiration for each other.
https://www.facebook.com/lds.richard.g.scott/videos/655759821182423/
Aren't they the sweetest couple?
I envision that they have spent their entire lives learning to sense each others needs and thinking of each other. They have what Dr John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, calls a detailed Love Map.
A love map is what a couple knows about each other. Do you know if your spouse likes dessert right after dinner or would they rather wait? What is their favorite sport? Do you know when their favorite TV show comes on? What about their favorite vacation, book , song, animal? Love maps change as life changes. Life events such as babies have an impact on our love maps. Love maps need to be kept up to date and built upon. A love map is knowing these things and using that information everyday. Love maps help keep us connected to our spouse. When we know and use our love maps then we are much more likely to weather out the storms when trials come.
How does a couple go about keeping their love maps up to date? It begins with friendship: spending time together, talking, enjoying activities together. It is listening to what what your spouse is saying and observing what they do. My husband calls me almost everyday on his way home from work. He asks how my day has been and how the kids are behaving. Occasionally, when he knows I've had a bad day he brings me a Coke. It used to be half Coke and half Cherry Pepsi and then I got hooked on Dirty Cokes and he started bring me those.
Our love maps are constantly changing and to stay current takes observation and staying in touch with our spouse. Love maps helps to increase our love of each other. Then when times of trial come we are more able to weather the storm and support one another, just like the sweet couple in the video.

Who is your best friend?

(This picture came from my friend, her son is in the bottom 2 pictures. My son in the one on the top on the right.) My youngest son is seven years old. The other day he was telling me all about his day with his best friend.

"When me and my best friend were at school I had to decided if I should help my best friend or Mae. I decided to help Mae because, Kail is my best friend and he'll still be my friend even though I helped Mae. My best friend and I ate lunch together and played at recess together. Then on the bus me and my best friend told each other we would meet at his house and play football and ride our bikes."

What makes a best friend? Your best friend is the one who you want to spend your time with. The one that share your joys, heartaches, triumphs and failings. The one that is always there no matter what. They are the one that you can be 100% you and don't have to hide anything, there is no judgment. Friendships are formed in time spent together and common interests. They take effort and action to keep alive!

Friendship in a marriage is similar in many ways to the friendships that we share with other people in our lives. Dr John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says:

"The simple truth is that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. They are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express fondness not just in the big ways but in the little ways day in and day out."

The key message in this quote is mutual respect. In less than one month I will have been married for 17 years. My husband, Ryan, is my best friend. He is the one that I want spend my time with. He is the one that I want to share all my good news with. He is the one who encourages me to do things that I think I can't do (like go back to school). I know I can count on him to say no to the salesman at the door when I can't. I know that he'd much rather clean the bathroom than do the dishes. I know that he is bound to fall asleep in front of the TV with his glasses on. I know that someday he wants to see a professional football game and take our boys to Alaska to fish.
He knows that without a doubt I will fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. He knows I dislike pineapple and creepy crawly things. He knew that I had always wanted to go to Hawaii and when he won a trip to Hawaii he took me!! Even though he really didn't want to go. We talk about everything and disagree about a lot. Disagreements don't automatically mean that we don't have a mutual respect for one another. Time has taught me how to disagree and still respect his opinion. I think that disagreements can help a couple to get to know each other even better. You just have to be careful about how you disagree. You need to disagree and still respect the other person. You have to keep loving them and always clear the air at the end.
I have learned a lot from watching my son and best friend. He is always excited to see his friend.  He thinks about his friends feelings.  He is always excited to talk to his friend.  He regularly makes plans with his friend.  He cheers his friend on when they are playing a game, and he misses him when he is out of town for the weekend. Do we have these same feelings for our spouse? It is essential to have friendship in marriage.

"the key to divorce-proofing your relationship is not in how you handle disagreements 

but in how you are with each other when you are not fighting"- Dr Gottman

Eternal Marriage

My friend Karen and I serve in the young women organization in our ward. A few weeks ago we were having a chat with some of the laurels about marriage. Karen told the girls that when they get married they will never think that this practically perfect young man can do anything wrong. Give it 2 weeks she says, and you'll smell and hear things that you didn't know a body could do. He'll leave his dirty socks all over the house and he'll forget to put the toilet seat down. He'll do things that drive you crazy. However, if you marry in the temple and keep your covenants none of that will matter. You'll be able to look past his imperfections and smells and see the possibilities that eternity will bring. 
What makes this view point different from a non temple marriage?  Both can be good right? The short answer is, yes, both can be good, if effort is put forth.
The biggest difference between a temple marriage and a non temple marriage is the covenant a couple makes with one another and with God, in the temple.
A temple marriage doesn't automatically guarantee happiness or forever. A couple has to work on their marriage and keep their covenants that they made to each other and to God.
In the November 1996 Ensign Elder Bruce C Hafen talks about having a covenant marriage. He says,

"Marriage is by nature a covenant, 

not just a private contract one may cancel at will. 

Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. 

When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth... 

because he... careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said,

“I am the good shepherd,... and I lay down my life for the sheep.” 

 Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong."

It is a well know statistic that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. Is it because a couple sees trouble and decides that it is easier to flee than to fight?  Elder Hafen says:

 "When we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, 

we discover hidden reservoirs of strength."

If we are to keep the covenants that we make in the temple, then we will have the strength to lift each other up. I watched a interview recently about marriage and what makes a marriage last. One woman in the interview said that sometimes her husband is the one holding her up and sometimes she is holding him up but mostly they hold each other up. Isn't that what it's about? We covenant to help one another, serve one another, and love one another. That is what the difference is.

Defending Marriage.

A couple of semesters ago I took a class that focused completely on the Proclamation. I loved learning more about the importance of the family unit and why it is so central to God's plan. The Lord through our prophets have told us that marriage is to be between a man and a woman.
From what I have studied I have learned that marriage is the core of family and Satan wants to destroy that very core. Why? Partly because he is so extremely jealous of what we have that he will never have. He knows the eternal significance of families and how central they are to the plan of happiness.

“We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the world)

Satan’s main focus is that anyone can marry no matter their gender. He teaches that same sex marriage is normal and ok. He puts same sex couples in front of us everywhere we turn. He makes it look fun and the cool thing to do. He tells us that some of us are born this way and there is nothing we can do to stop it or change who we are. He says that traditional marriage is old school and we need to get with the times. His voice is LOUD and everywhere!
Recently a friend and I were talking about a television sitcom that we both think is funny. In this comedy there is a gay couple. We were justifying that it’s ok because they don't flaunt the fact that they are gay. They more I have thought about this conversation the more I have come to realize that this is a ploy of Satan's. He wants to make homosexuals look normal.
Elder Russell M Nelson gave an address to a graduating class at BYU. You can read the entire address here.
In this address he says,

“Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage. We cannot yield. History is not our judge. A secular society is not our judge. God is our judge! For each of us, Judgment Day will be held in God’s own way and time…God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!”

WOW!! An apostle of the Lord has command us to defend marriage. How will I defend the family? There are little ways that I can choose to use my voice. It’s the little choices that I make daily, weekly, monthly. I can choose to not view shows where there are homosexual relationships. I can choose what I will "like" and post on social media, I can choose to vote for those who believe that way I do. I can teach my children the gospel. Maybe my voice isn't as loud and obnoxious as Satan's but it can have a reaching influence if I chose it to.